Colostomo Website

On this page…

    Colostomo Website Info

    Site Outline

    Make sure to use a Bootstrap breadcrumb on the above pages (obviously not on Home).

    Other pages, not in navigation, but in the footer:

    General Content

    You must use Bootstrap to build this site.

    Use HTML5 & CSS3.

    Fonts: Select a nice sans-serif for body copy, & a nice serif for headers. Use Google Fonts for font embedding via @font-face.

    Use typographer’s (“curly”) quotation marks & apostrophes.

    For colors, use Adobe Color.

    All images can be downloaded from Colostomo images.

    Footer on every page

    The following takes up 2 lines:

    Privacy Policy [Links to Privacy Policy page] | © 2014 Colostomo | About This Site [Links to About This Site page]
    [Break here]Colostomo • 1000 Main Street • Marshall, MO 65340 • 660-555-1212

    Navigation

    Bootstrap navigation code can be found at http://chnsa.ws/ut.

    Navigation bar should contain:

    Under Products there should be two dropdown links to our two main products.

    Under News there should be two dropdown links to our two news items.

    Page Content

    The contents for each page is provided below.

    Page: Home

    Welcome to Colostomo, makers of fine medical products since 1970!

    Colostomo creates high quality, reasonably-priced medical supplies. Currently we offer two products: the Colostomo 1000 [link to Colostomo 1000 page] and the Colostomo 2000 [link to Colostomo 2000 page].

    Our stuff is so great that you should injure yourself purposely just so you have to use the Colostomo 2000 (or the Colostomo 1000, if you don’t really care about your health).

    To find out more, contact us! [Link “contact us” to Contact page]

    News Headlines

    Colostomo Announces Record Sales [Links to Record Sales news page]

    Moist advantage cheap elegent, feel pleasure now be however light…

    Colostomo Acquires New Customer: Big Heartless Hospital [Links to New Customer news page]

    Reputation warm elegent removable, aromatic really sold…

    Page: Management

    Note: You will quickly discover two things when you try to do this page:

    1. You need to use the CSS float property to correctly flow the text around the images.
    2. When you do that, images & text below other images & text are probably going to create a “stairstep” effect that is ugly!

    The solution? Read up on the CSS clear property & use it. I think you’ll probably want to use clear: both (you’ll understand more when you do the reading).

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    Steve Weisenheimer, CEO

    [Image of Steve W. goes here; have text wrap around it] Have prevents, handcrafted proven comfort, wholesome cool fast secure full. We outlasts admire shine sparkling and awesome clean, exotic soaking customer reduced powerful moist discover. Market very now does, think handling, recommended be seasoned lifetime better simulated plus reduced.

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    Arnold Kusshintern, VP of Products

    [Image of Arnold K. goes here; have text wrap around it] Arnold has been at Colostomo forever, and it shows. Why do we only have two products? Because that’s all that Arnold has been able to come up with! He’s a man of limited imagination, but my goodness, he’s a hell of a golf player, and that’s why he’s still around.

    Arnold’s hobbies include golf. Oh, and watching golf. On TV, mostly—he hates crowds. And reading about golf! Don’t forget that. He sometimes watches golf on his computer, which is really an Etch-a-Sketch. We’re not really sure how he watches golf on that, but he says he does, so we’ll just take his word.

    P.R. Flunky, VP of Marketing

    [Image of P.R.F. goes here; have text wrap around it] P.R. specializes in one thing: spewing utter crapola with a straight face, and making it sound great! As we say around here, P.R. has the ability to make you eat a poop sandwich and like it so much you ask for seconds. Our advice: just nod and smile at everything P.R. tells you, and then do the exact opposite. Seriously. You’ll stay alive a lot longer that way.

    P.R.’s hobbies include listening to singers that lip sync, watching Pinocchio and Catch Me if You Can, and investing in Bernie Madoff’s funds (talk to P. R. if you’re interested in investing too!). Her favorite president is Richard Nixon.

    Harry Zeiterfassung, Plant Manager

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    Page: Colostomo 1000

    [Note: all text in this section & the next comes from Wikipedia’s article on Rube Goldberg1 unless otherwise specified.]

    Our flagship product that hundreds of people are still using!

    Reuben Garrett Lucius Goldberg (July 4, 1883 – December 7, 1970), known best as Rube Goldberg, was an American cartoonist, sculptor, author, engineer, and inventor. Goldberg is best known for a series of popular cartoons depicting complicated gadgets that perform simple tasks in indirect, convoluted ways, giving rise to the term Rube Goldberg machines for any similar gadget or process. You can see one in the following figure.

    (Insert picture of Colostomo 1000 here)
    [Caption:]The Colostomo 1000—the original is still great!

    Hold lighted candle under string (A) — string burns, releases ball (B) which rolls down through (C) and knocks hammer (D) against trigger of pistol (E) — bullet (F) makes hole in pipe (G) releasing stream of water which falls on plant (H) — plant grows until it presses upward against spring (I) — lever (J) pulls string (K) which upsets shelf (L) holding potato (M) — potato falls on handle (N) which starts doll (O) winding phonograph (P) — phonograph says in a female voice “Good evening, beer” — the bottle of beer, being polite, naturally takes off its hat — and there you are!

    Goldberg was a founding member and the first president of the National Cartoonists Society, and he is the namesake of the Reuben Award, which the organization awards to the Cartoonist of the Year. He is the inspiration for various international competitions, known as Rube Goldberg Machine Contests, which challenge participants to make a complicated machine to perform a simple task.

    The New York Evening Mail was syndicated to the first newspaper syndicate, the McClure Newspaper Syndicate, giving Goldberg’s cartoons a wider distribution, and by 1915 he was earning $25,000 per year and being billed by the paper as America’s most popular cartoonist.[4] Arthur Brisbane had offered Goldberg $2,600 per year in 1911 in an unsuccessful attempt to get him to move to William Randolph Hearst’s newspaper chain, and in 1915 raised the offer to $50,000 per year. Rather than lose Goldberg to Hearst, the New York Evening Mail matched the salary offer and formed the Evening Mail Syndicate to syndicate Goldberg's cartoons nationally.

    Page: Colostomo 2000

    Our new, more powerful, more expensive medical product that heralds the future of Colostomo!

    The popularity of Goldberg’s cartoons was such that the term “Goldbergian” was in use in print by 1915, and “Rube Goldberg” by 1928. “Rube Goldberg” appeared in the Random House Dictionary of the English Language in 1966 meaning “having a fantastically complicated improvised appearance”, or “deviously complex and impractical.” The 1915 usage of “Goldbergian” was in reference to Goldberg’s early comic strip Foolish Questions which he drew from 1909 to 1934, while later use of the terms “Goldbergian”, “Rube Goldberg” and “Rube Goldberg machine” refer to the crazy inventions for which he is now best known from his strip The Inventions of Professor Lucifer Gorgonzola Butts, drawn from 1914 to 1964. Check out another example below!

    (Insert picture of Colostomo 2000 here)
    [Caption:]The Colostomo 2000—same crap, higher prices!

    The mosquito enters window at (A) and walks along board, which is strewn with small chunks of rare steak — after munching steak as he walks, he is overcome by fumes coming from sponge (B) which is soaked in chloroform, and falls on platform (C). When he regains consciousness, he looks through telescope (D) and spies reflection of bald head (E) in mirror. He mistakes this for the real thing, jumps off spring-board (C) through (D) and dashes his brains out against the mirror, falling lifeless in can (F).

    Goldberg’s work was commemorated posthumously in 1995 with the inclusion of Rube Goldberg’s Inventions, depicting his 1931 “Self-Operating Napkin” in the Comic Strip Classics series of U.S. postage stamps.

    In the late 1960s and early 70s, educational shows like Sesame Street, Vision On and The Electric Company routinely showed bits that involved Rube Goldberg devices, including the Rube Goldberg Alphabet Contraption, and the What Happens Next Machine.

    The classic video in this genre was done by the artist duo Peter Fischli & David Weiss in 1987 with their 30-minute video “Der Lauf der Dinge” or “The Way Things Go”. Honda produced a video in 2003 called “Cog” using many of the same principles that Fischli and Weiss had done in 1987.

    The 2010 music video “This Too Shall Pass – RGM Version” by the rock band OK Go features a machine that, after four minutes of kinetic activity, shoots the band members in the face with paint. “RGM” presumably stands for Rube Goldberg Machine.

    Page: Colostomo Announces Record Sales

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    P. R. Flunky
    October 15, 2011 (name & date should be in smaller text)

    Page: Colostomo Acquires New Customer: Big Heartless Hospital

    Here at Colostomo, we’re always on the lookout for new customers — especially if they have lots of money and are willing to waste it buying our crap. We couldn’t be happier to announce that we now have a brand new customer who’s agreed to, yes, spend lots of money buying our cra… oops! fine products.

    So we’d like to thank Big Heartless Hospital for joining the Colostomo family. No one likes BHH & no one likes us either. We just don’t get it! How could people not like a huge, unfriendly, expensive, bureaucratic hospital with a building that looks like it was built in Soviet Russia circa 1970 & a parking garage that only holds around 20 cars? It makes no sense!

    So next time you’re sitting on a freezing cold table in a robe that shows your bare behind while 20 strangers run around you and you hear a beep boop beep, think of Colostomo and count your blessings (and count those beeps and boops too — if you miss a beep, you might be dying)!

    P. R. Flunky
    October 15, 2011 (name & date should be in smaller text)

    Page: History

    You’re going to need to use Bootstrap columns on this page!

    Colostomo was started in 1970 when Steve Weisenheimer had a dream: high quality, reasonably-priced medical supplies based around his invention, the Colostomo 1000. Business started out slow as the manufacturing was done by hand and the parts were meticulously sorted by squirrels and chipmunks. In 1981 a robotic-powered plant was built and greatly increased production. Normal production output topped out at around 1000 devices per hour.

    [Insert picture of Colostomo factory here]

    Athough modifications and updates were done to the original Colostomo 1000 over the years, by the early 90s the need for a product optimized for other medical conditions brought about the birth of the Colostomo 2000. A new plant was built that was able to average output of 1500 devices per hour. We still keep a few squirrels and chipmunks around, because boy, those things are cute.

    Currently we are working on the next generation Colostomo 3000 that we hope to roll out in two years. We are hoping that new automation techniques, plus a worsening economy that makes it easier for us to hire people are near-subsistence wages, will help bring production up to an astonishing 1600 devices per hour! As for the squirrels and chipmunks, hey, who knows?

    Colostomo has a bright future ahead of it!

    Sidebar on History Page

    We need a sidebar on the History page that contains the following:

    Overcoming Setbacks

    We at Colostomo want to bow our heads in remembrance of the disaster that occurred in 1971 when our first product, the robot dubbed the Colostomo Fizbin-Malgamator 1000, went on a rampage and killed several dozen workers and townsfolk. It’s true that the rampage helped the local economy by driving up sales of pitchforks, torches, and hot glue guns, but still, lots of people died, and that made everyone sad (except for Old Joe getting killed—that guy was a crotchety old bastard!).

    [Insert picture of Fizbin-Malgamator 1000 here]

    After spending months cleaning up the mess the Fizbin-Malgamator left behind, as well as paying off the families of survivors, Colostomo decided to leave the side-business of killer robots behind and instead re-focused its activities on the medical supplies that were Steve Weisenheimer’s first love (killer robots were just his second love). So in a way, we have our current success because of a killer robot! Thanks, Fizbin-Malgamator 1000!

    Page: Contact

    Headquarters

    1000 Main Street
    Marshall, MO 65340

    Email: info@colostomo.com [should be linked]
    Phone: 660-555-1212
    Fax: 660-555-1212

    Colostomo Plants

    250 Ausbeutung Drive
    Marshall, MO 65340

    Email: harryz@colostomo.com [should be linked]
    Phone: 660-555-1212
    Fax: 660-555-1212

    Page: Privacy Policy

    We’re watching everything you do.

    Personal Information

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    Traffic Analysis

    Way high-tech genuine, goodbye perfect like buy, price feedback monster, mothers perfect awesome. Space great quality choosy screamin’ buy a. Full adore can’t if now better durable magically snappy, and advertising savor odor advanced.

    Cookies

    C is for cookie. COOKIES!!! UMM-NUM-NUM-NUM-NUM!!! Cookie Monster thief, not liar. Me not take cookies, me eat the cookies. Eat begin with an E and take… Begin with a T. Me growing monster! No, me don’t want to touch, me want to eat. No get upset, okay? Don’t get excited. Me not fussy—just give me box of cookies. Me just met you and this is crazy, but you got cookie, so share it maybe?

    Updates to Privacy Policy

    Like you’re ever even gonna look! OK, we can update this policy any time, in any way, to do anything, & it’s your job to keep up with those changes! Hahahahahaha! Oh, & if we update it & you don’t notice, too bad! Just by visiting this site, you agree to it! Ain’t we stinkers?!

    Page: About This Site

    Feedback

    Can cheap world’s prevents it’s below. Parents, love action light, reduced economical smells extravaganza, dual golden smells sparkling kids by. Market bonus exclusive tighter talking super. Email webmaster@colostomo.com.

    Constant Communication

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    1. Text from https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Rube_Goldberg&oldid=805791649, last revised October 17, 2017. Images from http://screwballcomics.blogspot.com/2013/06/rube-goldbergs-cartoon-machine.html. Both images of Rube Goldberg machines are in the public domain. 

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